SSBM: Roys' Story
by Lemurian-Girl
Summary: Random. Pointless. Stupid. Read at your own discretion.
1. Scary men, scary teeth

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers Melee or Fire Emblem.

Authors note: Just a one shot about Roy in SSBM. It has alot to do with Fire Emblem, so you might not understand it. I just wanted to parody both games and how Roy is portrayed, except in this fic, Roy will be cynical and girls will hate him. It may not be 100 consistant with the SSBM "plot"; so, be lenient. I just could not resist doing this. Since many of you don't know the characters from Fire Emblem, here are descriptions of the main ones that I am using.

**Sue: **Green haired, green eyed girl who is an archer on horseback. Calm and spiritual (kind of.)  
**Thany: **Short Blue haired, blue eyed girl who rides a pegasus. Very peppy.  
**Lilina:** Long Blue haired, blue eyed girl who uses magic. Her father was the Marquess of the territory Lycia before he died. Wears red.  
**Guinivere:** Long blond haired princess of Bern whose Brother, Zephiel, was the bad guy. Kind of short. Also wears red.  
xxxxx

**Roy's POV**

It had started to be a normal day. Yeah, really cliche beginning there. Actually, I believe it was anything but normal. Why do you ask? Because a certain pegasus knight named Thany had decided to visit me without any notice on the same day I was going to Ostia to see Lilina. That's the problem with being noblility and flirting with several girls. You, of all people, are supposed to only keep your eye on only one girl.

Just how bad is my track record with that? Well, there was the time when I told Sue about how I really felt about her. Sacaens never lie, blah, blah, blah, and frankly I was worried about my own neck, just not because of her grandfather and Shin, but she, herself, looked ready to shoot me down with her arrow. Then there was Guinivere, and I shudder when ever I think about that. I am more scared of Thany, though. I told the hyper-active girl that she made my depression go away, that's all. Now if I break her heart, not only will her wrath come down upon with her two sisters but her brother-in-law will be dragged in too, and that is worse than Sue.

At the moment, I find myself cornered as she approaches, plastered to the wall. "Roy!" She squealed. "I missed you so much!" The girl thinks she is at liberty to drop the title of Lord. I really don't mind, except when I don't like a person, and this is one of those cases.

"Lord Roy," A voice calls out. "There is something urgent we must talk to you about." I sigh with relief.

"Duty calls," I say to Thany, and her blue eyes fill with disapointment. Maybe I can slip out after the discussion to Ostia. Lilina will protect me from the scary girl.

One of my guards led me to the man I am supposed to speak with. Apparently, he is from the outskirts of Pherae. He is scary looking. Maybe Lilina can protect me from him too if something goes wrong. A dark cloak hides his face, except for his smile, which haunts me to this day. I mean, hasn't the guy ever heard of brushing his teeth. Ugh, there was all sorts of junk stuff between those cracked, yellow chompers.

"Lord Roy," He said in a wheezy voice. He walks swiftly over to me and hits me over the head. Oooh, original. Nothing happens. He hits me again. Now my head is starting to hurt. The only guard in the room is Marcus, and the old man has fallen asleep. I should've have gotten rid of- I mean retired the him when I had the chance.

"Um, will you stop doing that," I ask. He picks up a chair. "Please?" He swings the chair around and whacks me in the head, again. It hurts like heck. "STOP THAT!" With a sigh, the man hits my pressure point and everything goes black.

ooooooooo

"Is-a he alive?" A high-pitched feminine voice asks. I open my eyes to see two men above me. They are wearing some sort of overalls, one red, one green. The red one is short and plump, while the green is tall and lean. Where's the woman? "Look, he's-a opening his-a eyes." Now I know. The one in green was the one that had been talking. I moan; he sounds something like Thany.

I place my hand on the ground, and I feel grass under my fingertips. "Where am I?" I ask.

"We don't know-a much more than-a you," The red one spoke. "But we-a already registered."

"Registered?" I ask, completely befuddled. I sit up, my head throbbing. I see a little stand up ahead where there was a short line waiting. What was I registrating for?

"To-a beat the evil hand-a!" The red said as if he were reading my thoughts. "You-a don't know me? It's a me, Mario!"

"Who?" I snap. I feel one of my depressions coming on, although it more anger than actual blue feelings at the moment.

"Leave him alone, fat boy," This voice definately sounds like it belongs to a girl, but after Mario's companion, I can't be too sure. In my dizzy vision, I see someone approaching in armor that covers their entire body, except it's like no armor we have back in Pherae, or anywhere in Elibe for that matter. The person has their helmet off, and it is a woman. She is blond and has a cold look pasted on her face. I shudder at her very presence.

She lifts me up by my collar, and I am surprised by how strong she is. Her armor does not include a skirt, like the woman's at home. The girls home are pretty weak, except for the archers. One time, I managed to offend Igrene, Sue, Echidna and Dorothy all at once. How I survived is still a mystery to me, but the scars of their attack are apparent even now.

"Name?" The man at the registration stand asks. The sign on the stand actually reads, "Lemonade, 10 coins, 5 rupees, or 3 gold." I wonder what rupees and lemonade are. "Name, sir." The man asked irritably.

"Sir? I am a Lord, not a knight!" I scold him. "I am Lord Roy, Marquess of Pherae, welder of-" The man throws a yellow folder at me.

"Here's your scenario and a guide to the other participants. There will be a group introduction circle in an hour. Have fun beating Master Hand. NEXT!" The strange armored woman had disapeared; so, I was left to wander off on my own. The land we were in was like an endless plain; the grass was a shade of green brighter than any I had seen before. The sky was blue with a few clouds drifting lazily across, and the sun shone pleasantly down without scalding us with the heat.

"Hey you, Lord Roy, you said your name was!" A man called out. He has blue hair and a circlet keeping it out of his eyes. His garb showed that he was probably of high rank too.

"Yes, and who might you be?" I ask.

"My name is Prince Marth," He said. " But please, no formalities with the name. Apparently, I am supposed to know you."

"You are?" This guy was a complete stranger.

"Yes, we are both supposedly from 'Fire Emblem," Marth explained. Fire Emblem? The Fire Emblem is a jewel. How could I be from it?  
"Did you not read your packet with the information?" Marth asks with a confused look on his face.

"Um, no." I admitted.

"Everyone here insists are best friends," Marth said.

"Really?" I said incredulously. "That's amazing. The only friends I have at home are...well, um. There's Lilina." Correction, there's Lilina, the only girl that lets me get within ten feet of her, besides Thany I mean.

"And Guinivere," Marth points out. I shuddered at the name.

"Who told you that?" I asked.

"It said so in the packet," Marth informed me. "I had the feeling you two were a couple."

"Uh, no. I don't go for girls whose brothers are bent on world destruction," I told him. "So, um, what exactly are we here for?" I try asking again.

"You should read your packet," Marth told me.

"I should, but I don't wanna."

"Why not? Can't you read?"

"Of course I can read!" I snap at him. "I am a Marquess after all."

"A marquess?"

"Argh!" I stomped off to see who else was there. Most people were in pairs; they all apparently knew eachother. There was a strange green clad man who wore no pants and a princess in a long, flowing pink dress. The woman also appeared to be of some kind of nobility, as did another blond in pink who was raving to that Mario guy. Pink must be really popular with the Ladies here; at home, it's all about red.

In another corner, there was a huge gorilla who seemed to chatting to two moving pink puffballs. Again, what is with the pink? The wierdest thing, though, was when I saw a fox in clothes. My mouth hung wide open in a very un-Lord like fashion.

"His name is Fox McCloud," Marth told me as he ran to catch up. Geez, doesn't this guy take a hint? I stare at Fox a few seconds longer. Yeah, his parents were real original with the naming process. That's like if my parents named me Human instead of Roy. Actually, Human would have been alot better in my opinion. I mean Roy? Come on! I could have been christianed cooler titles like Brett or William or Billy Bob.

I tried to run off again, but Marth still followed me like a duckling follows it's mother. I never trusted anyone with blue hair, mainly because Thany had blue hair. Stupid Thany, she's what got me into this mess.

A bell rang off in the distance, and I decided that it would best to return back to the assembly of weirdoes than get lost out here in these cheerful surroundings. The birds chirping happily, the squirills frolicking in the bushes and the racoons beating each other up is enough to make me sick. I trudge back to the gathering to see what is up.

Someone had set up white chairs in a circle, and everyone was taking their seats. I expected someone to be there to explain what is going on, but there are only the other strange characters. Don't they find this to be just a tadbit odd?

I reached for my sword, the legendary Sword of Seals, but all I find is a cheap reproduction made out of some sort of alien substance.

"It's plastic," The armored woman explained as she walked by me, except now, she had a helmet on that hid her head. This woman did not fit in the "scary" rank; she was terrifying just by the looks of her. "They think they can just replace my Chozo made suit with a plastic one and I won't notice?"

"What's plastic?" I ask. As I stare closely at my sword, I see that it was painted poorly to resemble my sword. As I flaked away a few chips, I saw that it was actually hot pink, and in tiny letters, the words "Cheezy Boys Kid's Meal Special Prize" was inscripted. The woman, meanwhile, just sighed and rolled her eyes. I decide to change the subject. "Why did they switch everything with this plees-tek?"

"So we won't kill anyone," She muttered in an annoyed tone. "Apparently, we just supposed to beat eachother up really badly, then call it a day." We arrived at the circle, and just my luck, the only seat available is by Marth. My feet are tired; so, I decide to sit rather than stand through whatever ceremony this is supposed to be.

As everyone settles down, silence hangs heavily in the air. A few look around as if expecting a coordinator of some sort to pop out of thin air and tell us what the heck to do. Marth clears his throat anxiously, and a few people start to whisper.

"I believe this is the introduction circle," Marth said. "Perhaps we should introduce ourselves to eachother." There was a few calls of "Oh yeahs" and "you're right" before the quiet fell over once again. "Um, anyone wish to go first." There were no responses. "Alright, then I will begin."

I sit there, chin leaning on my hand,. as this guy rambles on about his noble deeds and hardships. Mommy always told me that it is polite to listen to other people, but I never really paid attention to most of those lectures. I was twiddling my thumbs, which is a quite entertaining habit, when Marth coughed to let me know it was my turn. I stood up nervously in front of all those people that were already engaged in their own, much more entertaining, conversations.

"Uh, hi," I mumbled. "I am Lord Roy of Pherae. I, uh, defeated Zephiel, who, um, wanted to destroy the world by, well, releasing the dragons." The only one that seemed genuinely interested was Marth, and I am sure he read all about this already in the packet. He sits with his head resting on his chin, blue eyes shining brightly. I sit down quickly and half-heartedly listen to the rest of the people. Link, Luigi, Mewtwo, I really do not care about of these people and er, creatures.

I leaned over to Marth and whispered, "How long are we going to be here?"

"Until the evil hand is beaten, which could be a while," He mutters back. "Why got plans?" I nod. I'm going to be late to Ostia, and Lilina hates it when I am late.

* * *

Authors Note: Too confusing? Should I continue? Constructive critism please, no flames.  



	2. Culture Clash

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers or Fire Emblem.

**Authors Note: **I hate to say this guys but I never played FE6. I read a translation of the script and the support conversations! (Thanks to Neoseeker). I did a lot of research on Sword of Seals, and they better come out with an English version. Just to clear that up.  
By the way, a marquess is a person with a rank lower than a duke and higher than an earl or baron. In Fire Emblem, a marquess is the person that rules over one of the territories in Lycia. They are adressed as "Lord" and "Lady". In the Japanese version, they might be called Dukes, but when FE7 came to the US, it was made "Marquess". (Another example, in Japan they have "Dragon Knights" and in the English version, they have "Wyvern Knights")

Oh yeah, and this chapter will be more of a parody of other fanfics in this section than the game, but more parody of the actual games will come in the next chapter.** This does not make fun of any one fanfic.

* * *

**Out of nowhere, a large brick mansion appeared. Marth told everyone that it was for them to stay until until the beat the "Master Hand", whatever that was. Since no one really read their packets (Princess…Peach had sewn a few together for that Pinky guy with no pants trying to cover up what she called indecent exposture.) We all left Marth in charge, which was probably a bad idea because he was a total suck up to the girls.

Which is probably how I should be getting the girls.

Anyhoo, we were all supposed to partner up for the rooms, but noooooo, each girl had to have her own quarters. Womanly stuff and what not. One of the pink fluffballs (which reminds of a tasty treat we have back home called Donut Holes) even convinced that "it" was female as well. So where there were two more bedrooms for the guys, now there are four guys with out a room.

And Marth just had to volunteer our room to take two of the extras. Wowser and Donkey Kong, I think their names are. Wowser is a giant turtle who likes to breathe fire. Dragons like to breath fire. Maybe Wowser is a dragon, and if he is one, then Zephiel's spirit must be near by. Which means Guinevere is close.

Yeah, I have a little paranoia problem when I think upon certain girls. Thany is one of them. Guinevere is another.

I could not care less about Wowser, but it was that Donkey guy that bothered me. A huge primate, thrice my size. Not that Wowser is a tiny ant, but this beast must be the biggest I have ever encountered. And he smells really bad too.

I am still trying to comprehend the reason why there is a turtle/dragon and monkey involved in this. And a talking fox. And two pink fluffballs. And a thing-a-ma-bob that just looks like it belongs in a freak show. I think they said it's name was Meyow or something. Well, it was something that reminded me of a cat. I hate cats.

Did I mention that Wowser snores? Yeah, he has a real bad snoring problem Every time he snorts in his sleep, little sparks fly out his nose. Donkey's ears must be stuffed with fur because it does not bother him at all, and I have a suspicion that Marth's brain resides in his ears too because he is dreaming peacefully. The only part that actually stays in his head is the packet reading part; he just had to go through mine as well to make sure there was not any thing that was accidentally left out in his.

Our four tiny cots had to be pushed together so Wowser and Donkey could sleep comfortably, never mind the fact that Marth and I would be uncomforable on the floor. Marth got the blanket, I got the pillow.

After many hours of enduring Donkey's snoring, I finally drifted off to sleep.

_Five Minutes Later_

"Wake up!" Marth's cheerful voice rang throughout the room. Wowser looked ready to fry him, and I kind of wished he would. "We have a big day today." I looked up at him, already dressed and his perfect hair was in perfect condition. I groaned.

"Ten more minutes please," I begged. Marth just clucked his tongue.

"Nope, that would be an unfair advantage for the others," Marth said. "Speaking of which, I better wake them up too." Marth rushed out of the room. After we heard Marth speaking to the room next to us, Donkey slammed the door close with full intentions of locking him out. Unfortunately, Donkey was so strong that the door fell over to the other side and the doorframe cracked. Oh joy.

I decided just to get up. I walked to the bathroom where, to my dismay, there was already a line. Mario and that Louie man had curlers in their hair and little bunnies on their respective red and green bathrobes. Kirby's face was twisted into a scowl while he clutched a basket of bottles in one of his small hands. Ok, he obvivously is not a morning person. Then again Mommy always told me I was no early bird sunshine either. Then again, Mommy was a dragon. Since I no longer like dragons, then I have reason for fighting with her all those years. Ok, so she died when I was, like, ten, but I cannot say I was exactly a good child.

After what seemed like an hour, Princess Peach emerged from the bathroom. Samus decided to take advantage of her gender and cut ahead of Mario, who was first in line.

"Ladies first," Was her excuse. I do not think anyone wanted to mess with her; so, Mario left her alone. What was he going to do, jump on her? Well, anyways, Zelda and Jiggly Creampuff took a page out of her book and cut as well. Now I would have complained about them, but I did not want the little one to explode, which she was likely to do.

_Three Hours later_

I think Mario took longer in there than Peach, and Louie came close in second. After Kirby came out, I rushed in and locked the door behind me. I shall be parted from that terrible world on the other side of the door, if only for twenty minutes.

There is no tub to take a bath. Instead, there is a strange rectangular box with a glass door. I open it. At the top there is a metal tube that curves down; little holes speckled it's downside, and water drips from the holes. On the floor there is a drain, and on the tiled wall, there is a lever. Hmmm, I wonder what it will do if I turn the lever.

Water suddenly squirts from the tube on top. I scream, and it echoes off the walls of the bathroom and pierces my ears. Hey, I never knew I could scream this loudly. Maybe that is why some of the soldiers were considering giving me the Most Feminine Scream award over Merlinus.

I decide to make do with what is there; so I sit on the floor of this thing and wash myself as the water casades down. When I leave, people give me strange looks (but then again, I think that look is permantly plastered on Captain Falcon's face.)

My stomach starts to rumble; so, I go downstairs to see what is cooking. To my surprise Marth is dressed in a "Kiss the Cook" apron and lifting something out of a black box that kind of resembles an oven with big white gloves.

"Morning," He greets. "We forgot to make a cooking schedule last night; so, I volunteered to do breakfast today."

"You're a prince, where'd you learn to cook?" I asked, running a hand through my hair.

"I was an exiled prince, remember?" Marth said. I just nod, not wanting him to begin that lecture about himself…again. "I learned when I was in exile. But I am sure you know how to as well, since you traveled in an army. Even though you are a ma-mar-"

"Marquess," I tell him. "And no, they let me no where near the cooking fires."

"Pity, cooking is such a joy." Marth began to sing a song that I really could not give a care about. I could not understand the words. One time, Sue had apparently begun to apparently insult me in front of my guards, but she insisted that "jerk" and "moron" were Sacaen for really, really nice guy. Maybe Marth is singing in Sacaen.

I hear a loud commotion in another room, and I decide to venture out to see what it was. The room was a parlor of sorts, but at one end, there was a large cube with moving pictures running across. Sounds emited from this strange thing. My mouth dropped open as I saw it.

Fox and Falco (another original name, may I add) were lounging on the couch watching it. I am still not used to any of these talking animals, but I deal with it all the same.

"What is t-that?" I ask them pointing at the blaring thingamajig. They give me strange looks.

"A TV," Fox said, staring at me as if he could not believe I did not know what a "TV" was.

"And what about that awful racket coming from it?" I scream, trying to keep my voice heard over the din. I hold my hands over my ears. Oh, the pain they are suffering. Crashes and drum beats and incomprehensible words echo through the room. Falco stares at me indredulously; now it was his turn to gape.

"It's called Rock music," He says. "You haven't ever heard of rock?" I shake my head. Falco whispers something to his pal, and Fox nods back. I wonder if the music is made from rocks banging together; the sound and name of it certainly do suggest that.

"Listen, uh, Roy, you look like a very important person," Fox said, though it was hard to hear his voice. "A very educated man. What are you, a prince?"

"A marquess!" I call, correcting him.

"A what? Speak up, I can't hear you."

"I'm a marquess?"

"Still can't hear you!"

"I AM A MARQUESS!" I screech at the top of my lungs. The two look taken aback.

"Geez, you don't have to say it so loud," Falco muttered, but thankfully, he took a hint and pressed a button on a rectangular pad. The sound of "rock" softened. My ears rung, a slow monotonous beep.

"Hey Falco," I heard Fox whisper to Falco. "What's a marquess?" Falco shrugged; so, Fox continued as if he knew what a Marquess was.

"You are a very educated man, but you lack knowledge in one thing," Fox bowed his head humbly, and Falco followed suit. "The goddess we know as Rock music." He raised his eyes to look at me. "We will teach you Music Appreciation 101, starting off with the classic bands as 'Devil's Tongue', 'Dangit' and 'Condiment Girls'."

"Ooh, gotta love those Condiment Girls," Falco was practically drooling. "Ketchup is the best."

"No Mustard rox my sox!"

"Ketchup!"

"Mustard!"

"Ketchup!"

"Mustard!"

"Fine, let's just agree that Relish takes the cake. Agre-"

I slowly inch out of the room before Falco finishes his statement. I don't know who the Condiment Girls are, but ever since Thany started her own musical troupe, I've been sworn off it. Rock seemed too much like her own caterwauling. Even Marth can sing better.

When I reenter the kitchen, I see Marth jumping up and down like a little girl. (Well, it would explain a lot.) "What's going on?" I ask him.

"We are going to our first fight today?" He squeals.

"Are we fighting the Master Hand?"

"No silly goose, we are battling eachother for absolutely no reason at all before we wait our line in turn for each of us to beat the Master Hand and win a trophy," He explains. "That way, everyone is a winner."

"Do you know who you are fighting first?" I asked, pretending that I was interested. Marth nods.

"I am going against Kirby, and you, my friend, get to battle Donkey Kong." I swear loudly. Oh joy. I have the possibility of

A)Being Pummeled into the ground in front of everyone if I lose, or

B)Being Pummeled into the ground while I sleep should Mr. Kong lose to me.

With my plees-tic sword in hand, I should really be able to hurt him. Hmm, maybe I should practice before I go. Before I can reflect on that thought, Marth pulls something black and green out of the oven. Oh boy, here's to my last breakfast.

* * *

Authors Note: Just wanted to post this before I go out of town. (Who can guess who the 'Condiment Girls are based on?) A few more Fire Emblem jokes, and if you could not tell, I made it as if Ninian married Eliwood. If you have never played Fire Emblem 7 then: 

Ninian is a dragon girl from the realm where dragons were banished to. She took human form upon returning to the human world, where she met Eliwood (Roy's father). Under special circumstances, you can have her give up her dragon immortality to marry Eliwood, have Roy, then die when Roy is around ten.


	3. Heated Battle

Disclaimer: I do not own SSBM or Fire Emblem.

Authors note: In response to a review, (and I mean no offense in this), I'd just like to say that in no way, shape or form did SSBM set the characters in the game. There was no dialouge between the characters, no interaction, nothing that gives them personalities. There are, however, the cliches that people in the fanfiction universe give them. I will be using their respective game personalities. (I've never played Kirby, Ice Climbers, Fire Emblem 1/3 or what-it's-called Ness game, so if you know them, please fill me in.Ok, I'm distorting them, but the jokes in here are common ones of fans of their games.) Why? Because Marth and Roy do not know each other, Zelda and Shiek are the same person, Samus is not as girly as some portray her and speaking of Samus, she does not make a good couple with Fox! (shudders.)

Sorry about the rambling. Also, Phantom Kensai, if you think you're a Fire Emblem nerd, then join the club. I played FE7 three times! And I am also working on my third for FE8. If none of you have played Fire Emblem, then I highly recommend it. Actually, if you like action, it's not the game for you, but the strategy and storyline are wonderful. Without further ado, enjoy!

* * *

They told me it was a pump. A helium pump, to be exact. Never heard of it before. Samus told me that it's an  
element of some sort that made your voice really high and things feel really light.

Samus has taken a liking to me. She claims it is because I am the person here that can wield a real weapon that fits her standards, those being I do not wear a dres-er, tunic without pants, (Link), I am a human being and not a talking animal (or intelligent rock-loving beings as Fox and Falco refer to themselves), and I do not creep her out. ( Three guesses who that is...yep, it's Marth.) She uses a thing called an arm cannon, and it scares the bejeebies out of me. She's fighting Mario today...poor little girly man.

Anyways, we had to fill up with this helium thing. The man said it would help heat up the battle because it would make it easier for us to fly off the battleground and into an endless abyss. When I asked why in the world we would want to do that, the man said we would have a good view as we fell.

I have until 3:00 until I have to fight. I loungue anixously around the mansion until Fox and Falco start blaring their "rock music". With nothing better to do, and wanting to rather save my eardrums for my fight, I amble on over to the first battle field. It's at the "Fountain of Dreams." Sheesh, what a cheesy name. I hear it's based on one of the fluffballs homelands. Strange music floats in; it's nothing like "rock", but I am still not fond of it.

I take my seat in the VIP section, right next to Pikachu and Meyow guy.

"Pika! Piiikaaachu!" The little electric mouse roars angrily. Meyow nods sympathetically.

"Bless you," I say, following the...things' sneeze. He just starts muttering his name over and over again even more furiously. It's a pity he only know how to say his name. And there are so many variations on it. Sometimes it is "Pika pik!" and others "Pikachu, pika pika chu.". Usually, before he shocks someone, he goes "Piiika, pikachu!"

Meyow just stares at me. Apparently, the two are from the same land, but he can speak English. "He said, it's a pity they made it so I can only release 5,000 bolts of electricity at once," He explains. "The people running this event don't want any fatalities."

"So I've heard," I said. I turn back to the fight. Zelda is beating Link up pretty badly. I think he's afraid to attack her since she is his Princess, after all, and she can use magic. If there is one thing I learn with Lilina it's that swords are useless once fire balls start flying at you.

"That's for sneaking out with Malon," I hear her scream over the roar of the crowd as a fireball scorches his tights. "And that's for kissing Saria at her birthday party." Hmmm, sounds like this guy has just a bad record as me. I must compare notes with him...

I feel something jabbing me in the stomach. I look down and see Pikachu scratching my tunic. He starts screaming in a rage his name over and over. Must be going insane, the little bugger.

"He says that he can't stand that grass stain on your shirt," Meyow translated. "He gets irritated easily, and by my experiance, I reccomend that you leave before he...takes action."

"Huh?" I ask, not really paying attention to what he is saying. My eyes stay focused on the fight in front of us. Say, these VIP seats have really good vi-

"PIIIIIIIKKKAAAAA- CHUUUU!" I hear him scream, but it is too late. Now, he may only be able to shock me with 5,000 volts of this electricity thingy, but let me tell you, it hurts like heck. My hair was stinged, my heart was doing back flips and my seat melted underneath me.

"He said, 'die, evil stain, die'," Meyow told me.

"T-t-thanks," I mumbled, my teeth chattering in my jaw. Wow, I was really going to be in execellent condition for my fight now.

XXXX

The Helium thingy made me feel really floaty. And now I squeak like a mouse. Hee hee, I like the sound of my voice. So high and squeally and femin- I mean manly. You know, I sound like Thany right now...NOOOOOOO!

Marth is staring at me; I bet he is wondering if I am ok. He ambles on over to me, a concerned look in his eye. No wonder, I must look like a mess. My hair is blackened, my cheeks are blackened, my clothes are blackened, my eyes are blue...whoa, got carried away there.

"Are you alright," Marth asks, in his equally shrill voice. I nod. "You look like you are having a panic attack. Are you nervous?" He places his hands on his hips. "You are, aren't you. Do you know what I do when I am nervous?" I shake my head, praying to dear St. Elimine herself that he won't tell me what. "I sing."

Before I could clamp my hands over my ears, Marth bursts out into song. In his new sorprano voice, I feel like my eardrums will burst. This is worse than "rock music". This is more awful than Luigi's out-of-tune humming. It is more fatal then dragon's breath. Marth is singing!

A red light blinks on. signaling that I am about to go on. I sigh with relief and rush on. Donkey is there, standing on the tiles of a majestic castle. I bow, as it is traditional to do before a proper spar, and he just stares at me. Those big, monkey eyes glower at me with malice and poision. I gulp nervously, half-way through my bow. Sweat drops down my forehead, and my heart thuds anxiously against my ribcage.

A small bell dings.

Mr. Kong approaches me.

His index finger tucks behind his thumb as his hand reaches out to me.

I try to run, but I find my feet frozen to the ground, exactly as they were in every other big battle, except I cannot scream like a little girl here.

Suddenly, he flicks his finger. The impact sends me flying; I soar over the edge of the battle field, forgetting my pride and yelling. I start cursing, relieved that no one here knows Japanese. Cursing here is an illegal move.

An amazing thing then happens. I find myself able to jump in mid-air. My feet feels solid ground, despite the fact that there is nothing there. I leap up and latch myself on to the edge of the field. My fingers desperately hold onto the stone edge, but I feel my grasp slipping. Oh, St. Elimine, don't let me fall.

Oh, great, my acrophobia is really starting to kick in right now. I flail my feet wildly. I know that I cannot hold on for much longer. The helium must really be working because I feel really light, and as I think of that, an idea pops into my head. Since I feel lighter, I can pull myself up with more ease. Brilliant, Roy!

With a final heave, I roll up onto the platform. Donkey seems surprised at my comeback, and I feel prepared to face him. I unsheathed my sword, the plees-tic version of my legendary blade, and I ready my stance. A new wave of confidence washes over me. Hey, I can do this! I really can beat this guy.

Donkey approaches slowly, his large limbs and muscles flexing with very move. I shift my weight impatiently, but I know I have to wait until the moment is right.

A second passes...

Then two more...

Just a bit more...

Oh great, he moved too far to the left. I throw my sword down in frustration. "Can you please inch a little to the right please?" He grunts but complies. Still not where I want him. "A little more..." I wave my hand to the exact spot to which I want him to stay. "No, no, now you went too far." He shuffles back to the right, but once again, he travels too far. I want to scream in frustration. Can't this big ape do anything right!

Of course, I wish to keep my life and limbs intact; so, I keep my mouth closed. Instead, I walk over to him and grab him by the arms. I guide him to where I want him to stand. "Here, stay right here." He grunts his acknowledgement and poses for when I tell him to start again. I pick up my sword, reform my prior stance and yell, "GO!"

He runs towards me. I run towards him. He lets out a ferocious gorilla scream. I let out a cry of "Roy super duper wuper, special, amazing, totally excellent, completely astounding, frilly, fuzzy power...attack!" Purple sparks fly out of my sword and fizzle away. Ha, it's all going according to plan. When I reach him, I raise my sword high above my head and slash it down.

Donkey grabs my sword and lifts me up by it's dull blade. He shakes it, and I drop to the ground. Then, his hairy paw scoops me up, and he carries me to the edge. He then throws me over the edge.

There is no hope for me now...I fall down to the ground, air whooshing up around me. The end is near, and I have lost. My stomach pangs with the thought of my loss and how hurt my pride is- wait, no. I'm just hungry. I wonder who's cooking tonight. Any chance they can make Marcus' infamous Mystery Meat. Green and full of surprises, just how I like it.

* * *

Authors note: Wow, it's late. Hope you found this funny. Oh yeah, and I believe Mewtwo is one that can speak English. It's been a while since my Pokemon days, so I could be wrong. In the movie, I do think he could speak. Whatever. Review! No reviews, no updates!  



	4. Tanning Partners

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers Melee or Fire Emblem.

Author's note: Ok, Phantom Kensai, I'll admit. You are probably a bigger fan since you have played FE6. It's only because I don't know Japanese. And by the way, Lalum might be high-pitched, but I always thought of Thany that way due to her easily excitable nature.

I have my own theories for Wyvern/Dragon Knights. I think that they became wyverns because they simply looked like Wyverns. Wyverns have two legs and two thing that appear to be clawed hands/fingers on the end/top of their wings. This is similar to what Wyverns look like in Fire Emblem, no? The type of Dragon as the final boss is the Western Dragon. Four legs, scalier than other types. The wyvern is believed to be a take on the Western Dragon, like you said, a sub species. However, Wyverns are hardly mentioned in mythology, whereas the Western Dragons are well known throughout European lore. In Japan, most of the dragon lore is based around the Eastern Dragon; however, due to the publicity of the Western Dragon, everyone knows about it. The Wyvern is not. It is apart of Western mythology, basically Europe. When the creators made the game, they had a dragon-like creature in mind, not really thinking of Wyverns. When it came to the West, they made it into the creature it resembled. That is why the English version probably had the Wyvern and the Japanese kept the name Dragon Knights.Now on to the story.

* * *

I hoped- nay, prayed, that I would be kicked out of the tourniment because of my loss, but noooo, everyone has to participate until the very end. Now I have to fight against another loser until I can rise up to a higher level. 

Marth lost his fight too. How is a mystery to me. It was him against a pink furball; I think even Marth could handle that...I guess not. Forget that his weapon was plees-tic; I heard that they replaced Kirby's teeth with ones of the same substance; so it's all fair. Marth told me that there was no way that he could beat up someone as cute as Kirby. He started going on about how it resembled a kitty-cat, and how he just looooves kitty-cats.

The good news is tomorrow I am going against Marth in the loser's round. This is going to be so sweet.

I wanted to skip out on dinner, because to my dismay, Captain Falcon was cooking. He made something called Mama Mia's Delivery Pizza. It was a big circle, smothered in cheese with these stange red dots on it. The Mario brothers squealed with delight, while Peach looked at it with a slightly sick look on her face. Zelda dipped her finger in it, and when she pulled her finger out, it was covered with greese, despite the fact that she never actually touched the pizza itself. Doctor Mario started offering something called "diet pills" to everyone.

We all settled around a huge table and started eating. It actually was not that bad. Link was sitting to my right, and Mr. Game and Watch was to my left. He looked like a stick figure, the same one that haunted my dreams when I was little. A terrifying thought entered my head, and ever since that dawned on me, my arm started shaking and I could barely hold my pizza.

Anyways, Ganondorf banged a spoon on his plees-tic cup to made an announcement.

"Ahem," He cleared his throat as he stood. "I would like to ask everyone something for a moment." A few people raised their heads, but no one really was listening. Irritated, he rung a bell, and a giant pig-like creature jumped out from behind him. It was kind of cute, actually, with a big snout and beady eyes and large, sharp teeth. Well, at least it made everyone look up. "Thank you Mr. Snorky-poo." The piggy took a bow and left.

"Since coming here, I have had no tanning partners," Ganondorf explained. "You see, back in Hyrule, I had these two hot babes named Koume and Kotake to tan with. I was surrounded by two beautiful women in bikinis-" Link, who had his pizza half-way to his mouth, suddenly threw his hands over his lips and ran out of the room. Wonder why. I wish I could meet those babes in bikinis. "-but now I have no one to tan with," He continued."I would like to recruit two of you, doesn't matter what gender since there are not any hot babes here anyways, to tan with me, keep me company and perhaps join my army of evil minions."

No one said anything. Then Marth, who was sitting across from me, leapt up and declared, "Roy and I will do it!" Ganondorf smirked.

"Excellent."

So that's how I ended up outside a day later, just before my next battle, in shorts, wearing these black glasses on a towel. I have to wear glasses; the sight next to me was too painful. Ganondorf was in something they called a speedo...

"Roy!" Someone called my name from the mansion. "Get in here; we need you." I jumped up with glee. I think Ganondorf scowled; I really did not want to look over and see for myself. I ran over to the mansion and rushed inside to whoever called me. Turns out it was Fox, accompanied by Falco and those strange twins.

They were standing in front of a wall with dials covering it. Above each dial was the name of one of the participants. Falco turned the dial under my name, but nothing happened.

"What are you doing?" I asked, slightly confused.

"See, it only works if they are wearing their official outfit," Fox told Falco. The bird shrugged. I decided to ignore them and stare at the wall.

"Wow, this is neat," I commented. "What does it do?" I turned one of the dials. Nothing extraordinary happened. I turned it some more, then reached for another. The twins joined me in this game, twisting and turning them. Fox kept an eye out for his, and Falco slapped away one of the twin's hands when he reached for the one that had his name on it. (It must've been the boy; he was wearing a pink jacket afterall.)

Suddenly, it happened. A roar from upstairs that sounded like Bartre snoring reached our ears. I clamped my hands over my ears, but it did not work.

It was Samus, her voice full of wrath and rage. I'd be afraid of whoever her anger is directed to, especially with that "arm cannon" of hers. Jeez, that is scary; poor fella, that is all I can say.

"Who made my suit pink!"

* * *

Author's Note: Short chapter, not very funny. Still, it was a filler. No reviews, no updates!  



	5. Bring it on!

Disclaimer: I do not and never will, own Super Smash Brothers Melee or Fire Emblem (because if I did, Eliwood would die a slow and painful death at the end)

* * *

The crowd seems antsy today. I have five minutes to go before my big battle with Marth, and all the shouting and rabid fangirls are really making me nervous. Not that I am scared or anything, but have you seen the size of Marth's sword? It's huge. Monsterous. And Orange! (Ich, doesn't he know that it clashes with blue?) 

I nervously walk out on the field, and the crowd begins a count down.

_10_

I ready my stance, shifting my weight from one leg to another.

_9_

Marth smiles at me and gives me thumbs up. His eyelids flutter as if he were a girl.

_8_

I realize that Marth is, more likely than not, really a little girl in disguise.

_7_

My feet start falling asleep.

_6_

Come on, come on, begin already!

_5_

Good, halfway through.

_4_

Aw man, I wish Lilina could be here and finally see me beat the stuffin' out of someone for once.

_3_

You know, I don't think I locked the door this morning.

_2_

Great, now Mario is going to kill me.

_1 _

"Always lock the door when you leave last-"

Suddenly, the loud speakers burst to life with a long, _screeeeeeech_ that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Everyone groaned and covered their ears with their hands, moaning and crying out in tortorous pain. Instead of the familiar ding of the bell, a menacing, evil voice declared,

"We're sorry but we are currently experiancing technical difficulties." I swore in Japanese. Marth also cursed in Japanese. Luigi starting screaming profanities in French, and Dr. Mario cussed in Yiddish. "This should only take a moment and then the-"

"What do you need that for anyways?" Random crowd member #63 called out. "They can still beat eachother up into a bloody pulp!"

"-the program should continue,"The voice continued. "Muahahahaha-ach, yuch, gag...Nelson...I'm chok- my doughnut got stuck-" There was a loud thump and the speakers turned off. Then, five seconds later, it repeated itself. Again and again and again and again and again... I had drifted off asleep, dreaming about flying off on a magical winged poodle, when I was shaken awake.

"Turns out they needed to change a lightbulb in the girls bathroom," Young Link said, randomly popping out of no where and into the field and grabbing my shoulders. "You get to fight now."

"Aw, and I was just getting to the good part too," I moaned groggily. I stared bleary eyed at the green clad figure in front of me and stood u. I dusted off my cape and noticed I had gotten a ketchup stain on it the night before. Oh, gosh darnit. Ketchup was so hard to get out.

The crowd counted down again. And I once again prepared myself. I also become vaguely aware of the fact that Mario was glaring at me, venom in his eyes. Hmm, I wonder if it was him who threw Popo and Nana off the roof last night.

Finally, the bell dinged, and I charged at Marth, sword raised. He stood there, a strange expression on his face. I bring down my sword upon his head and-

There was a dull thud as my sword met with his hair. A crack formed on my sword, and the blade deftly slid off, leaving me with only a hilt.

"What the-"

"Ow, what was that for?" Marth snapped at me, sounding hurt. He rubbed his head. "I hope you didn't ruin my hair." I just stood there, gaping at the sword in my hand. He rolled his eyes. "A gallon of hair gel and a gallon of hair spray. Put the gel on, then the spray and you have something that not only keeps your hair perfect but also serves as a handy helmet."

"I don't believe this." I shook my head, as if that would dispel what was going on. "Elimine, have mercy on my soul," I muttered under my breath.

"Now this isn't very fair," Marth said. He threw aside his sword, letting it skitter across the ground and off the edge of the field. Man, was he an idiot or what? At least I still have my hilt. I threw it at him and bounced off the top of his head. He stared blankly at me, probably not feeling it as it came in contact with that thick skull and coif of his.

"You moron," I taunted. "Now you got rid of your only weapon. We'll have to fight fist to fist, and you know I'm stronger."

"You're about a head shorter and ten pounds lighter than me," Marth pointed out.

"S-so? I think you are stupid." Now purposely provoking your enemy is not really the smartest thing to do, but come on, it was Marth, what was the worst he could do? I wasn't afraid of him. However, my insults seemed to have no effect on him as he just stood there and looked at me.

"Yeah, well I think you are a poopy head." He is quite the comedian though. He make me keel over in laughter when he said this.

"Well, y-you are d-dumb," I was shaking with laughter. Must be the helium.

"You're a, a, a bologna face!" He shot back, proud of his come-back.

"You're funny looking." Marth gasped. His face clouded with anger, an almost scary sight that I had looked upon for the first time. He convulsed with fury, hands automatically curling into fist. He took one step towards me, two steps towards me...then a third, until he was up in my face.

"You did not just say that," He spat, (quite literally actually).

"Oh yes I did," I said right back, more confidently than I felt. Oh, Lilina, please, oh please, get this scary man away from me. I felt like cowering under my bed that Mr. Kong stole away from this terrifying person in front of me.

"You'll pay," He warned, reaching to grab for my collar. I ducked.

"I'm not scared of you." A flat out lie. "Bring it on." Marth snapped his fingers.

"Oh, I'll bring it." In a flash, Marth transformed from his usual garb to a sleeve-less red and white outfit with a short skirt over shorts that looked more like something a pegagus knight would be wearing than a swordsman. He brought out two weapons I had never laid eyes on before. They were like whips, but instead of a leather rope, there were short, shiny strips of red and white plees-tic. They formed a round sphere of these strips. He lashed one out of them, and it brushed by my cheek.

That was all.

No blood, no gore, just the slight tickling as they slid across my cheek.

"What the heck?" I exclaimed. Marth stood there proudly.

"I watching this action movie called 'Bring it On' with Zelda," He explained. "And I was all, like, I want to be like those girls, and she was, like, 'I can teach you how'. It's my new secret move." His hands were now placed on his hips. He stretched one out to me, the whip-like thing covering his fingers. "Prepare to feel the pain that only a fully trained Cheerleader can dish out. On behalf on the Prep squad, prepare to die!" He charged. I stepped aside quickly, and he ran over the edge.

"WHHHEEee!" His voice came before distant and squeaky. I smiled and raised my hands in victory. An abrupt flash of light tore my attention away. Marth was floating in the air on top of a mini cloud. He dropped to the ground. I stared at him completely befuddled. "It's a battle for points, silly."

"But in my first match-"

"It's called a plot hole, alright?" He snapped, then changed the subject. "But I thought we were friends. Friends don't let friends run off cliffs."

"Sure they do," I said. Well, in my opinion it was true. One time, Igrene pushed me off a cliff to save me the effort of running. Such a nice girl, that Igrene is.

"Really?" Marth asked.

"Yep, in fact, I'm such a good friend, that I'll let you do it again," I said. Marth had tears welling up in his eyes.

"Oh, I'm so lucky to have met you," He whimpered. He started running towards the edge again, and I willingly let him go.

"THANK YOU!" He screamed out as he fell.

"Anytime!" I call down. "Really, tonight I can see about us taking a visit to the dangerous rapids and-" Before I could say anymore, the bell dinged signfying the end.

For once in my life I was victorious. Now, if only I could get that Ketchup stain out.

* * *

Author's note: Good, bad? Sorry for the delay, writer's block struck. No reviews, no updates!

* * *


	6. The Pink Ordeal

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brother's Melee or Fire Emblem (or else, Kent/Fiora would be the major coupling.)

* * *

"NOOOOO!" An agonized scream reached my ears. I could not identify whom the voice belonged to, but I could tell that whoever it was, he/she/it was in terrible pain. "IT'S THE END OF WORLD!" I figured that this would be a pretty good time to rush down and act like the hero that I was supposed to be. Well, that was before my nurse dropped me on my head while rocking me to bed when I was thirteen. 

I was not prepared for the sight that beheld in front of the machine that cleaned clothing. Link was there lamenting over something in a whicker basket in front of him. Donkey was there, looking more or less neutral.

"Yout mixed the reds with the whites!" Link screamed in pure pain. He fished through the basket and held up a pair of stockings. "My tights are pink! Pink tights are not manly." Donkey grunted something that I believed was reminding Link that tights, period, are not manly.

Link grabbed the basket and stomped upstairs, breaking the news to everyone their underwear, socks, doctor coats and hair ribbons, (Mario and Luigi have been obsessing over them lately) had all turned a delicate shade of rose. The girls were delighted. Marth squealed at the thought of trying out a new color. Everyone else was beside themselves with frustration.

I headed back up, upset over the fact that my chance for heroism was gone. I was not too angry about the pink ordeal. So what if my undies were were a girly color; it was not like anyone would see them.

I checked the schedule for the fights for the day. I was fighting Bowser. Whoopy do. I've been electrocuted to a crisp, poisioned to a crisp, gotten beaten up to a crisp and wedgied to a crisp. I was not that eager to add "burned to a crisp" to the list. Then there was the fact that I had no weapon after my sword broke. I snooped around the mansion to try to find an extra sword laying around or a lance that happened to magically appear out of no where.

I decided that it would be no great misfortune if someone accidently misplaced Link's sword in my hands. It would only be for an hour or so until I lost the fight to Bowser. I bet he would not even notice it was missing. However, I needed someway to make Link leave his sword unguarded. I went to Doctor Mario for advice, and he handed me a magical cookie that was sure to make Link forget about his stupid weapon and put him to sleep.

I crumbled up the cookie into little crumbs and sprinkled them over a bowl of soup. You could hardly even tell there were huge blotches of soggy desert in there. I thrust the bowl into his hands, saying it would be comfort food for the new color of his socks. He stared at it with a wierd look in his eye, but he attempted a taste, nonetheless.

His eyes rolled back as his stomach disgested the food. Color flushed to his cheeks, a deep threatning red. The bowl of soup crashed to the floor, the ceremenic dish shattering with soup splashing the ground. Link opened his mouth to utter a soundless cry or so it seemed until these very words flew out.

"YEHAW PARDNERS! LET'S GIDDY-UP NOW!" Link mimicked riding a horse, holding imaginary reins in one hand while slapping the invisable hindquarters of the would-be mare. He galloped across the room, charging straight for the couch. He leapt off the beast and starting wrestling the cushions, screaming, "You'll never defeat me Fuzzle-bunny!"

Zelda opened the room and gaped at the sight before her. Sputtering, she asked what was going on. I simply told her that Link ate a snack and started going beserk. She inquired as to what was in the snack, and after deciding that it would be best to save Link's sanity, I handed her the Magic cookie wrapper.

"Sugar cookie!" She exclaimed, reading the label aloud. "Don't you know Link was banned from eating sugar after burning down the castle on a sugar high." I shook my head, which soon stung when Zelda's hand came in contact with with my cheek. She then slipped out a needle, one that resembled the "shots" Dr. Mario carried around. She approached Link, cautiously, and jabbed it in his arm. He fell over, his body still convulsing in violent spasms, but Zelda looked relieved.

"Take him back to his room," She ordered. I took a hold of his feet, dragging him up the stairs. With every step, he groaned as he head was bumped against each one. I somehow managed to pull him onto his bed. Knowing this was my chance, I reached for the sheath that laid scabbard that laid at his waist. I took it in my hands and unsheathed it.

SPLAT! The thing spit at me. A mouth appeared on the hilt.

"Who thou thinks he is, taking thy legendary blade from thy rightful owner," It asked in a haughty voice.

"Uh...Roy?" I guessed.

"Thy blade shall only be wielded by thou's true master," It declared. I could have sworn I saw a smug look on it's face.

"What do you mean, I am your rightful master," I tried to convince it.

"Thou does not look like thy rightful master," It said.

"I dyed my hair!" I lied.

"Thou said thy name was Roy."

"I changed it."

"Thy hast shrunk." I didn't have a response for that one. Geez, this sword was smart.

"So will happen if I fight with you? You're a sword; you point at whatever direction I hold you in." It spat me again, a glob of spit sliding down my face. I accidently dropped it, and it landed on my foot. As a result, I preformed the patented, "Roy's One Footed Dance in A Minor" in front of my smirking audience. I picked it up and walked out of Link's room, to the sword's protests and sputtering saliva. I shuffled through the basket of laundry, took out what was mine and returned to my room.

I tied an old undershirt over the sword's hilt. That oughta shut him up. I could hear it's muffled shouts underneath, but it would do for now. I made my way over to the stadium.

Today, I was fighting in a two-dimensional field with cute little monsters frolicking around with pleasure. Bowser and I stood on opposite ends of the stadium, bracing for the jump to a platform in the middle of two ravines. The bell rang and the fight commenced. I jumped over to the platform, waiting for Bowser to come.

He did not jump; instead, he stood at the edge and breathed fire at me. I ducked and missed the line of fire. I ran and grabbed the edge where Bowser was standing and pulled myself up, rolling onto the solid land. He was taken aback by this move, my chance to push him over. There was a flash of light, and he returned.

This time, he slammed down on top of me. I dashed away the at first chance I had at freedom and grasped the sword firmly in my hands. Unforunately, the sword had chewed through it's bindings. In a loud voice, it began a lovely melody that praised my opponent. (A/N Tune of 'Oh Christmas Tree)

_Oh, Bowser fiend, oh Bowser fiend,  
How lovely are thy blaz-ees  
Oh, Bowser fiend, Oh Bowser fiend,  
How graceful are thy rampages._

_You look so fine,  
In green and red,  
But you smell like trash  
and sweaty pigs._

_Oh Bowser fiend, Oh Bowser fiend,  
please take a bath, one of these days._

Bowser was shocked. A flattered look crossed his face.

"I've been trying to smell like Eau de Hog for ages," He said pleasantly. "What a lovely sword you have there."

"Uh, thanks, does that mean I won't die?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope." He took the oppurtunity to toss me off the field. When I returned, I could tell he was detrimined to win. His eyes glowed red as he snorted like a bull, pawing the ground with a single clawed foot. I was sick of being near-fatally injured in this tournament. I slipped the white flag out of my pocket to surrender the fight. As he charged, I waved it in the air.

By the time I realized that the white flag was now pink after it's ill-fated time in the washing machine, it was far too late.

* * *

Author's note: Not my best chapter, but I hope you all found the song humorous. I know it doens't fit exactly with the tune, but who cares? REVIEW! No reviews, no updates.  



	7. Possession

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash Brothers Melee or Fire Emblem (or else Sacred Stones would be twice as long.)

Author's note: I have recieved a few reviews on the OOCness of Roy. Let me clear this up. When I do humor, I take a few aspects of the character and exploit them. In his support with Thany, he says he gets bouts of depression; so, his moody behavior is not totally made up. And, like Eliwood, Hector, Lyn and Priscilla, Roy can be hooked up with several people. Sue, Thany, Lilina, Lalum, Guinivere...that is why I made him to be haunted by this fact. Roy is a nice guy, I'll admit that. But I hate Eliwood. Sorry if you like him, but I just can't stand the guy. Now, if Roy's strength is anything like Eliwoods, then he would be absolutely useless in the final battles. Hence the 'should-be-a -hero-but-not' attitude. I just wanted to get that out of the way. Without further ado, On to the story.

* * *

_3:00 PM  
Roy Vs. Zelda  
Big Blue  
Note: After Zelda kicks Roy's butt, er- after the battle is won (most likely by Zelda) there will be a picnic on the back patio. Everyone is invited except MewTwo. If I find that dang psyhic reading my mind on more time,_

"Who writes these things?" I asked Link after tearing my eyes away from the paper. He shrugged.

"Beats me." He mumbled. "Yes! I'm fighting Pichu. Little bugger doesn't stand a chance." I nod my agreement. Then, for or the second time in two days, I hear a high pitched scream. It sounded like Zelda, which probably explained why Link's eyes widened and he whispered under his breath, "Dang, she must have found those love letters from Ruto." Above our heads, someone was pounding on the floor, causing dust to rain down on Link and me. We exchanged looks and dashed up the stairs.

When we reached Zelda's door, Link stopped me as I reached for the knob. "No, we have to knock first."

"Knock? Zelda could be dying in there, and you want to knock?" I asked incredulously.

"It's only polite to let the evil demons know that you are coming," Link tried to persuade me. With a sigh, I raise my fist to the wood and knock three times. There was no answer, only an eerie silence. It rung in my ears.

"Zelda, are you in there?" I called out. There was sounding of someone slipping off the bed and on to the floor. Fingernails scratched against the floorboards as she/it crawled towards the door.

"Zelda is not here anymore," A soft growl reached us.

"Oh, well when she returns can you tell her Link and Roy were looking for her," Link asked whoever was on the other side of the door. Suddenly, the knob twisted and the door flew open. There indeed stood Zelda's body, but her blond locks were disheveled, and a demented gleam had entered her eyes.

"I have possessed the Princess of Hyrule. Her body and her kingdom shall be mine forever!" Zelda's lips did not move, but the words were loud and clear. One bony hand reached out for us, the fingernails several inches long now. Sharp too, like cat claws. Just as she was about to swipe, Link grabbed her wrist and yanked it towards him for inspection.

"Geez Zel, you usually have inpeccable nails," He commented. "I guess I'll just have to give you a manicure tonight. And while I'm at it, I bet you're going to want a pedicure too." He sighed and dropped the hand.

"That would be nice-I mean no!" It screamed at us. "I am not Zelda!"

"Then who are you?" I asked, curiosity biting at my insides.

"My name is Ernest and I am the garbage man's son," He blurted. He slapped himself with Zelda's hand. "Oh shoot, I mean I am Ufrakabobo, master God of destruction, fear, castrophe and platypuses!"

"Oh well, that's nice." Link said as he walked away with a mere wave.

"Remember, we have a melee battle at three," I tell her/him.

"You shall never win against my newly found girl power!" Ernest called out.

XXXX

Out of all the stages, Big Blue has to be my least favorite. With those motorized carriages running around at top speeds and the rabid fangirls in the audience wearing skimpy outfits, I find myself barring my eyes and trying to steady my rapid heartbeat. When I spotted Zelda/Ernest approaching, I sigh in relief because I have a good chance of winning. She/he is stumbling forward, arms waving wildly.

"Dang heels." He was mumbling under his breath. "And why does she have to wear a dress! I mean of all the things medieval princesses wear, it had to be a dress." The bell donged and the fight conmenced. Zelda/Ernest charged but tripped and rolled forward. There the cliched, stereotypical and usual flash of light, but this time, it had different results than me just earning a point. Now the dress was replaced with a cool dark blue outfit, with a white shawl wrapped around her/his head, completely disguising her from her true identity.

"Oh my gosh, that is sooo awesome!" Zelda/Ernest exclaimed. She/he looked down to exaimine the new costume and testing out a few moves in it. "Much faster and lighter." There was another flash and the dress returned. "That is, like, so cool." Another flash, the blue suit returned. "Boy." _Flash._ "Girl." _Flash._ "Boy." _Flash_. "Girl."

I try to make my move and approach her/him while she/he is distracted. No luck. She/he (man, that is tiring), in the dress form, stopped and hissed at me, waving the sharp fingernails in a feline manner. I back away, as he resumes switching back and forth between a girl and boy.

_Clunk! _Something hit my head and a hollow noise emitted. It was a round red and white ball. I picked it up and study it, feeling the straight crack in the black line circling the center. An idea pops into my head, and I throw it at her/him. It missed her/him.Instead, the ball exploded and something took it's place.

It was a fish! Zelda/Ernest ignored it and jumped to another platform as our old one disapeared, but I gasped in surprise and took a cautious step back. That must have been a cursed object to produce a over-sized and useless fish. It flopped around before disapearing in a puff of smoke. Phew, that was a close one. Another object landed near me; this time, it was completely black, except for two white eyes. A little string poked out of the top, and it had these cute little shoes. When it started to walk around, I decide not to pick it up due to my previous experiances. It began to circle around me, and I did my best to ignore it.

_Kaboom!_

In a burst of fire, I flew away, but luckily I was able to cling on to the edge of the moving platform. I drop landing on to another as it pops up. Ernest follows suit. Before I can make another move, the loud speaker declared, "Time up!" It was a tie, and I was not quite sure what happened in a tie.

"SUDDEN DEATH!" The voice rumbled. There were several excited cheers from the crowd. We stand there for a few seconds, waiting for the other to make the first move, but when it becomes apparent that no one was going to, I took a deep breath and charged. I rolled beside him, barely missing her/his swipes. I reach out and make a daring move.

I poked in the stomach with a single finger.

"Yahooooooo!" She/he screams as she/he blasts away. Another victory for me. Everyone booed, except the seventy year old rabid fan girls sitting in the front; yes, the same ones I said were wearing skimpy outfits. They began to throw their dentures at me. One winked suggestively.

"I wash mine with denticare," She hooted. I shuddered and shifted away from the fake teeth.

Link and Ness were there to congradulate me. Ness patted me on the back.

"You only won because she was possessed by Edgar Allen Poe," Link said, but he grinned nevertheless.

"The poet?" Ness asked, cocking his head slightly.

"Who? No, I meant an eager, alien poe." Link said as if it were the most obvivious thing in the world. He shook his head. Noticing our blank stares, he added, "What? It makes perfect sense."

"No it doesn't," Ness snapped. "Geez, the author is coming up with some really lame jokes."

"Who?" Link and I said it in unison. Ness stalked away, muttering something under his breath that sounded like, "stupid morons." We shrug.

"Now, who wants to see me get electricuted by a mouse!" Link exclaimed, clapping his hands. In need of some good entertainment, I willingly tag along after him as he heads to his own battle. Link won but it was still amusing to see him convulse violently from the "e-lec-tri-citi".

* * *

Author's Note: When Writer's block attacks! I know guys, this was a pretty bad chapter, but I am suffering from writer's block here. A severe case of it. This idea just popped into my head, and I knew that I had to update soon. All suggestions are appreciated, and if I use them, I shall acknowledge you. No reviews, no updates. Ciao for now!

* * *


	8. Catfight

Disclaimer: I do not own SSBM or Fire Emblem or Barney or Barbie.

Author's Note: I wanted to wait a while before posting this chapter, but I had no other ideas, so I just went ahead and did it. So there. Here's the long awaited update.

* * *

"You're scared," Link stated as he walked me to the stadium. 

"Am not," I tried to defend myself.

"Liar, liar, tights on fire, you are so scared," He insisted. "Don't worry, if I was fighting against her, I would be scared too."

"My physic was right. I'm gonna die at the hands of a beautiful woman," I sobbed. Today was my battle with Samus, Elimine save my soul. The woman known for no mercy, no pity and no deodorant. Today, I would be blasted into little bits, fried to a crisp and probably squashed like the time Barth sat on Lugh. The thought was depressing me.

"I'm sure it will be ok. I heard they lowered the killing power of her arm cannon thingy by ten percent," Link tried to cheer me up.

"Oh, so instead of killing 100 of everything it hits, it only kills 90?"

"Exactly." Link's cheerful voice made me want to throw up. I hung my head. Bye bye world. Bye bye sweet air and cool mountain water. Bye bye Barney the purple dinosaur; I will never see your wonderful broadcasts on that mystical device ever again. It made me want to cry. I dragged my feet onto the battlefield, the insanely easy one called Poke'mon Stadium. This would be the end of me.

"Hello Roy," I swear I could see an evil smirk from underneath that helmet of hers. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

"Which one is less painful?" I asked. The bell dinged. I charged, but she blew me away, sending me flying several feet away. She waltzed over to me and placed a shiny boot on top of my torso.

"You can either be a good little pansy and jump off the ledge for me or I can use the alternative." She waved her arm cannon menacingly. She leaned close. From the crowd, I could make out the faint strains of someone chanting for me. A group actually.

"Roy's our boy! Roy's our Boy!" Link, Marth and Young Link cheered. Only one person was out of tune.

"Roy's our girl! Roy's our Girl!" Ness shouted with gusto. I could tell Samus was amused by this. She lowered her arm to my stomach and back away, ready to shoot. I could see the beam grow brighter as it charged, the orb gaining in size with every passing second. That was when Elimine sent a glorious angel from the sky.

Ok, so it was a red and white ball. Close enough.

"What the flaming Zebes was that?" I reached out and grabbed it, flinging the ball at Samus' helmet. She dodged it, stepping back, which gave me a chance to roll out of her grasp. There was a flash and a fish appeared.

That's all.

No big, scary monster.

No magical weapon.

Just a smelly, old fish.

Eh, it was better than nothing. I grabbed it by it's tail and waved it at Samus.

"FEAR ME!"

"Oh wow, somebody save me. I think I'll get salmonella," Samus deadpanned. She shot her beam at me, and I blacked out.

When I woke up, I saw my support group hovering over me. Marth had donned his cheerleader uniform, and I gained a nightmarish view of his leg hair. Link had eaten garlic bread and was practically breathing down my neck. And Ness looked like he had been assaulted by the make-up ladies, because he was wearing pink lip gloss and masscara was smeared over his eyelashes.

"Her rapid fanboys attacked us!" He claimed, near sobs. "T-they got their little sisters to do our make-up. This is Barbie BRAND!" I shuddered; I had heard of this frightening idol they called "Barbies. Ness started convulse from the strawberry gloss goodness.

"Rapid fanboys? Is there such a thing?"

"Yep," Young Link told me. "Take Lucius for instance." Ah Father Lucius. I had such a crush on him until I found out he was really a guy. (A/N: It twas a scary day when I found out that Lucius was male. A scary day indeed.) Link and Marth hoisted me up, and I brushed of my clothes. The crowd had long dispersed and Samus was no where to be seen.

We trudged back to the mansion and saw a huge crowd around the television.

"What's on?" I asked. I peeked over Mario's shoulder and saw a talk-show. A girl was talking into a stick with a ball attached to the end.

"Well, I mean it's obvivous Kat and Falco make the best couple." Another girl leapt up from her seat.

"Oh no they don't!" She screeched. "Krystal and Falco all the way." Falco, who was sitting on the couch, leaned back with his hands behind his head.

"Yeah, I get all the chicks," He bragged.

Meanwhile on the show: "Nuh uh," The first girl said to the second. "You just say that cause you're a moron!"

"Idiot!"

"Hoochie!"

"Skank!"

"Oh that's it. You're going down!" They tackled eachother, rolling around on the floor clawing at eachother and pulling their hair. The entire crowd was cheering them on. A third person stood to break them up.

"Let me settle this," He began. "Yaoi forever! Fox and Falco are the best couple ever!" Both girls gasped and chased after him. Falco's mouth dropped, and Fox paled. They both scooted away from eachother.

"What do you think about getting all the chicks now, Falco?" Captain Falcon snickered. Falco swooned- I mean, fainted onto the floor.

* * *

Author's Note: I decided someone had to make fun of the outrageous behavior some people have over their couples. Yeah, I used to be one of them. I admit I still get a little touchy about mudshipping in the GS, but I decided that it gets rediculous sometimes. I was going to use Legend of Zelda for it (Lord, knows how it gets in that secion, with the Malinkers, Zelinkers, Sarlinkers), but I decided that I already stretched that joke out too far. I wanted to do Rebecca/Raven and Rebecca/Wil from Fire Emblem, but I realize half my reviewers don't know who they are. (Ok, so half of them don't know who Lucius is either, but I just had to make a Lucius joke.) Anyhoo, I have an idea for the next chapter: STAR WARS PARODY! No reviews, no update! **(And don't say it; I know it was too short. WHEN WRITER'S BLOCK ATTACKS!)**  



	9. The Dark Side

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem, Super Smash Brothers Melee or Star Wars. 

Author's Note: Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane Sora Artemis, I hope you read that script because you will need it this chapter. At least know who Bartre is...or else this really won't be funny to you.

* * *

"Everyone, I'm afraid I have terrible news," Dr. Mario rushed into the living room where some people had assembled. "I'm sorry to say this but my dumber, shorter, girlier clone has been knocked into a pit of lava." The room was silent. A few fighters blinked; someone coughed. 

"Uh, is he dead?" Luigi asked hopefully.

"You'll be relieved to know that he is not dead, and he currently in the critical care unit at the Melee Hospital, and by that, I mean the rat infested hole under the porch."

"Aw shoot," Luigi cried out, stomping his foot down in fury. "I spent all that money for his assassination, and all I get is some measly Critical care unit!" A few people stared blankly at Luigi in mild surprise. "What? I needed the insurance money. Besides, it was my turn in the limelight."

"So, who did you hire to do the job?" Samus asked.

"Bowser," He replied. "I mean, his success rate isn't great, and he is mucho expensive, but he gives out coupons for half off your favorite tampons for every hit." Tampons? Are they something like the pom-poms Marth uses? Hm, I wonder if I could get some, then beat Marth at his own game.

"Anyways, your brother, my clone and Peach's pity boyfriend is going to have to be put into a life-support suit thingy until- well, forever really," Dr. Mario continued. "I'm performing the intensive procedure tomorrow, in which he will be in excruciating pain; then, he will be good to go to battle Roy that afternoon."

"Don't you think that's a little cruel?" Falco pointed out.

"Hey, no one is paying me to do this," Dr. Mario exclaimed.

"They aren't?"

"Well, not immediately anyways," He defended himself. "The debt I'm causing him will eventually come back to me, but that's not my point. The point is-"

"Well, I'm bored," I declared. "Hey Link, you want to get one of those shaken milks?" Link stuck his nose in the air.

"If it isn't made from Lon Lon Milk, then I'm not drinking it," He sniffed, crossing his arms.

"Milk snob," I said. We began to leave the room, with Dr. Mario waving his arms rapidly through the air.

"Hey wait, don't you want to hear my point? Come on! I want to say all my hard medical words like arthritis! I bet none really knows what-"

"It's an inflammation of the joints that causes pain, stiffness and redness."

"Shut up, Ms. Aran. I know your blood type, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

* * *

"MOMMY!" I screamed, loudly. Today I was on a flying "space ship", as they called it, on a planet called Corneria. They equipped my feet with nifty things called plungers so that I would stick to the ship as it sped through the air at approximately four mph. Elimine, help me please! 

"Hello...Roy," A mechanical voice said behind me. I turned to see a block of black plastic with a speaker box. Two hands stuck out of it, with no legs.

"Mario!" I exclaimed. He chucked.

"It's Darth Elevator now," He breathed. The bell dinged. "Now, my pad-of-toilet-paper, prepare to come to the dark side." The dark side? I've actually heard of them before!

"Yeah, you're the ones with cookies right?" I jumped up with glee.

"No you idiot!" He snapped. "We ran out of cookies when we tried to recruit Donkey Kong. Now we give out fat free, sugar-free yogurt." I cringed. "It's tasty and good for you."

"You liar," I spat. "Nothing fat free can ever be considered tasty." He laughed evilly.

"It's time to face the truth." The block that encased him hopped over. "Soon, my sugarless, tasteless concoction will rule the universe. The junk food rebellion will never prevail! Never-" He tripped, and the block fell flat on his face. "Ventilation…button…pressed…off…can't breathe…" I rushed over to aid him, propping the block back up again. There were two buttons on top.

"Ooh, which one do I press? Ventilation or self-destruct?" I asked myself, rubbing my chin thoughtfully.

"Ven-til-ation," He gasped. Well, I thought it was the red one, so I pressed it and hoped for the best. He didn't blow up, which is always a good sign. Instead, I could hear him breathing over the speaker box again, and one of his hands slapped me on the back.

"Whoo, thanks…you're… a…pal," He mumbled. "Now…where was I?"

"Uh, something about the rebellion never prevailing or something like that," I told him.

"Oh yes, well you see-" Two black sticks fell from the sky and landed at our feet. Darth Elevator was once again distracted from his train of thought as we picked them up and examined it. I pressed a button on its side, and a beam of purple light shoot out.

"Ooh, it glows," I said in awe, staring at it. I reached out to touch this sparkling wonder and- "WAHOO! That hurts!" Darth Elevator was deep in thought, ignoring my screams of pain.

"Hmm, we could use these as weapons," He declared.

"You think?" I muttered sarcastically, still clutching my wrist. I held mine like I would my sword, and Mario-er, Darth Elevator swung his around like a bat. Hmph, terrible stance…well for a plastic block it was pretty good, but still, he would never defeat me.

"Beat the dark side, you shall," A voice boomed over the ship. "Only when stop dating daughter, will I see you turn over to the shadows." Now there's only one person that can use that bad of grammar, and the thought was not really pleasing me.

"Bartre!" I groaned. Of all the stupid axe fighters, why did it have to be him?

"Daughter date evil man, I shall not see," He spoke, suddenly appearing between me and block man.

"Bartre, my old enemy," Darth Elevator growled.

"Know you do I?"

"No, not really," Darth Elevator admitted.

"Listen, Bartre, Noah is dating your daughter. Not me." I claimed. Few men that dated Fir lived to tell the tale- after meeting the parent of course.

"Noah? Who you be?" He seemed confused, as Bartre usually was.

"Roy, you know, your lord. My dad was Eliwood. You fought with both of us," I tried to explain. He clutched his head as the thoughts swirled through his mind.

"Big words, use not. Confuse Bartre they do." He shook his head. "Bartre leave now. Help you, he will not." Help me? Bartre was going to help me? When he disappeared, I felt like kicking myself. He might be dumb, but he's five times the size of Darth Midget over here.

While I had my back turn, Darth Elevator made his move. He struck me with his glow stick, and I stumbled forward over the edge of the ship. My plungers no longer in effect, I had nothing to keep me stable except for the ledge of it. I was dangling in middle of the front window, grasping on for my desperate life.

Meanwhile, inside the cockpit…

"AHH! There's this hideous red headed thing blocking the window!" The pilot screamed. "I can't see to steer this thing!" The co-pilot gasped.

"Oh great, Fox trusts us with his ship for one day and we're gonna crash it," He sobbed. "We're gonna die, and then he's gonna kill us!"

"Wilhelm, there's something I must confess to you before we die," The Pilot said. "I was the one who ate the last slice of key lime pie. It was me! Alright!" Wilhelm sniffed back a tear.

"Oh Manny, you don't know how happy that makes me." A tear of joy slid down his face. Manny, feeling much more confident, decided to make an even bigger confession.

"I also was the one who ate the rest of the beef stroganoff," He sheepishly admitted. Wilhelm's face turned bright red.

"YOU WHAT?" He cried out in the rage. "YOU ATE THE STROGANOFF TOO?"

_Though we would all like to see the outcome of this, the story is technically from Roy's Point of View. So we return to the less interesting characters…_

Darth Elevator stepped over, breathing deeply.

"It's time, young pad-of-toilet-paper to learn the truth about me," He wheezed.

"What's that?"

"Roy…I am your father's friends' brother's mother-in-law's cousin, thrice removed, best friend's uncle's secretary's dog's walker's niece's boyfriend's rival's garbage man's parrot's veterinarian's receptionist's sister's crush's," He inhaled deeply. "Governor's second husband's illegitimate child's teacher's worst enemy's best friend…FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!" I gasped.

"NOOOO! It cannot be true!" I almost lost my grip. Hot tears burned my eyes. He laughed evilly.

"You cannot deny the connection between us," He said. "Now give in to the dark side." I heard the clock count down. I did not have much time left, and if there was one thing I learned from my previous journeys is that the hero always prevailed, especially when he had his soldiers do all the dirty work for him. Now, I didn't have any of my soldiers, but I was a hero…or at least enough people believed that I was a hero for the rule to work.

I rolled back onto the ship, tripping over my own plungers. With three seconds left, I kicked Darth Elevator over the edge.

"EEEE…gasp….eeeee…gasp….eeee," His screams echoed as the final bell rang.

* * *

Author's Note: I had a ton of fun with this chapter. It's stupid beyond belief, but I still thought it was funny. When thinking of who would portray Yoda, I ran into a problem. Which SSBM character is like Yoda? Then Bartre popped into my head... (One of the great mysteries of Fire Emblem. How does Bartre plus Karla equal Fir?) Well, review please. And all suggestions for an upcoming chapter are greatly appreciated. Bye for now.  



	10. Doctor Woes

Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem or Super Smash Brothers Melee.

Authors Note: This chappy is dedicated to my friend, Brie. (Guess where I came up for the inspiration for this chapter.) If any of you know Latin out there and notice some mistakes with the words here, I'M SORRY! Ahem, with that said, Enjoy!

* * *

It was anything but a quiet morning. It was drizzling, and as a result, everyone was cramped inside. They all had their excuses. Marth complained his hair would be messed up. Samus didn't want her suit to rust. And Peach whined about how the blond dye in her hair would run before slapping a hand over her mouth and quietly excusing herself. 

I sat in the kitchen, bored out of my mind. Link and Ness were supposedly listening to Marth rave about his new charm bracelet, but I had nagging feeling that Ness had mastered the art of sleeping with his eyes open.

I felt some poke the back of my head sharply. I turned but no one was there. Then I saw a folded piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up and examined it.

"Psst, what's that?" Link leaned over and whispered in my ear. I shrugged.

"I don't know. Someone just threw it at me," I told him. Marth squealed and leaned over.

"Ooh, a secret message," He bubbled. "Read it! Read it!" Ness snorted awake and paid attention too. I unfolded the note and shared the contents. They all bustled with excitement as the words left my lips, revealing to the whole world what this person wanted me to know.

"One dozen white eggs, grade A, a gallon of milk, mint chocolate chip ice cream," I paused.

"Sounds like a shopping list to me," Ness pointed out, a little disappointed. There was a loud swear from outside the kitchen door, and Captain Falcon ran in, snatched the list and dropped another piece in front of us.

"Heh, gave you the wrong one," He grumbled and dashed away. This time, I opened the note slowly, to add to the suspense. I lifted the first fold, bringing it up carefully. I flipped it over, ready to reveal another layer of it and-

"AH! Paper cut!" The note was forgotten as I clutched my stinging finger.

"Ooh, I heard that if you put lemon juice on it, it will make it feel all better!" Marth cried out. He instantly jumped up and grabbed a lemon from the refrigerator. Before we could stop him, he squeezed it over my finger and let a single acidy drop fall on my wound.

Oh the pain, the excruciating pain… I didn't scream for mercy. Nor did I stand still like a silent hero or martyr.

I cried like a little baby.

Of course, my wonderful friends didn't care about the fact that I was suffering from a severe injury. Noooo, they only care about the stupid note.

"Roy," Link read aloud. "I hear you are fighting Doctor Mario tomorrow. If you want to win, meet me at the Secret Clubhouse in three hours. Signed, The Secret Teacher." Link set it down. "Hmmm, sounds like fun. Secret teachers, confidential meetings, top secret information being shared…can we come along?"

"Sure," I said. "Don't see why not." My finger was still throbbing with pain, but I did my best to ignore it.

"I wonder who the secret teacher is," Marth said, thoughtfully tapping his chin with his index finger.

"She must be a hottie," Link said dreamily.

"How do we get to the Secret Clubhouse?" Ness asked, being the only one thinking properly here.

"Duh, follow the signs, of course," Marth informed him. "Secret clubhouses are extremely hard to find; so, it's only logical he'd leave a few signs to guide us there."

"Actually, that's not logical at all," Ness piped up, but none of us really listened to him.

Three hours later, we stood at what the locals call a "Port-a-potty". Hung over the door was a sign that clearly read "Secret Clubhouse" in pretty glitter paint. A strange odor drifted over to us from inside the tiny cubicle. Ness crinkled his nose.

"Guys, I don't think we should go in there," He pointed out. Link stomped down his foot in fury.

"But how else are we going to meet the hot secret teacher," He whined.

"But none of you know what a porta-" But no one listened….as usual. We opened the door, all of us expecting something different, with only Link passing out from the smell. Captain Falcon was inside, with a surprised look on his face.

"You were supposed to come alone!" He growled. I shrugged as we all squeezed inside, Marth dragging Link in by his long golden tresses. It was a tight fit, with none of really having any room to breathe. There was a little seat there, with a little hole to support your bottom, and Marth nearly knocked the Potty over snatching it from the rest of us. Meanwhile, Ness's face was turning purple.

"So what did you want to teach me?" I asked.

"The Secret Weapon for beating the Doc," He whispered in his gruff voice. "I fought him last week, and it was only afterwards I learned his secret. I'm telling you to get my revenge."

"What…is it?" Ness gasped. Link finally came too, but he fainted once he caught sight of the "secret teacher".

"Latin." He spoke as if it was some marvelous thing, whatever "Latin" was. At least, it sounded easy.

"Is that some sort of ancient Ninja technique?" He shook his head. "A legendary weapon." Another shake. "A mystical curse?"

"It's a dead language that no one ever uses anymore," He explained. My heart sank, along with any other hope I had.

"Ook then," I mumbled in disbelief.

"Goody! I've always wanted to learn another completely useless language," Marth exclaimed. He tried to jump up with elation, but he found that quite difficult with the unconscious Link in his lap.

"All doctors know Latin," Captain Falcon told us. "He uses it to muddle your brain while you fight, then takes his chance to kick you over the side. Or inject you with a potentially fatal amount of painkillers. Depends on his mood. Anyways, you will use Latin to beat him at his own game, put him in a state of shock and knock him over the edge. Got it?" I nodded.

"Good, now listen up, for we don't have much time to teach you this," He began. "Now the first thing you need to know is that in Latin, there are three different genders for words in Latin. _They are masculine, feminine and neuter_…"

After a while, we seemed to be doing pretty well. Link woke up and joined us in our lesson. A few hours passed, and we thought we should of ourselves. Captain Falcon, on the other hand, had different ideas.

"For the last time, Ness," He trembled with frustration. "Neuter is not something you do to your dog."

"Oh, I get it," Ness exclaimed. Captain Falcon breathed a sigh of relief. "You neuter your cat!" Judging by the dangerously red color of his face, I figured that Captain Falcon was about to explode.

"What's neuter? Can you do it to a horse? Did you know I had a horse? Her name is Epon-"

"Yes Link, we all know about your horse," He mumbled through gritted teeth. "Now, WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP! YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED A SINGLE WORD THE ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE HERE!" He took a deep breath. Everyone was silent. Finally, Marth spoke up.

"I know this probably isn't the best time to say this, but I have to go to the bathroom."

"You're in a bathroom," Ness snapped.

"Oh, so I can go right here-" Before another word could be spoken, Captain Falcon pushed his way past us. He opened the door, and in the commotion he was making, the Port-a-potty tipped over. The door swung open and scampered away, running at full speed as soon as he was on his legs.

"What's his problem?" Link asked, his elbow jamming painfully into my thigh.

"Eww, let's get of here," Marth urged us. "My socks are all wet and have turned this icky yellow color…"

* * *

"Hey Roy, look what I found," Link ran up to me, waving a few sheets of paper. " It's Captain Falcon's notes on Chinese!" 

"I thought he was teaching us Latin," I said.

"Pfft, Chinese, Latin…they're practically the same thing," Link shrugged it off. He slammed the papers into my hand.

"You know, I have a bad feeling about this round," I confessed to him. "Is there any way I can get out of it?" Link shook his head.

"Nope, unless you have a serious, untreated injury, but even then, sometimes you still have to fight."

"Does a paper cut count?" I asked, waving my wounded finger in the air.

"Hey, when'd you get that?" Link asked.

"Yesterday. Remember? I was hollering and crying my eyes out about it?" He shook his head.

"I've gotten used to your bawling by now." He glanced at the clock. "Well, I got to go. My next fight is in an hour against Marth." He ran off, leaving me in the dust. I looked down at the papers and offered a single prayer up.

The battleground was a house on stilts in middle of a raging river. The dock swayed with the current underneath us, Doctor Mario staring at me with an unnatural gleam in his eye.

"_Parat pugnam_," He hissed as the bell rang. I froze as he ran towards me, a pill magically forming in his hand. He was about to strike as I glanced down at the paper and screamed out as loud as I could-

"Via est parva!" He stopped in mid-air and fell to the ground. This did not encourage me much, as a vein was about to burst on his forehead, and his entire body shook.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say." He spat out.

"Heh. Via est parva," I mumbled in a small voice. Doctor Mario seemed to grow ten times and shadowed over me. "Impressive, huh?"

"VEE-A? PAR-VA?" He mocked me. "YOU NEVER PRONOUNCE THE **_V_** AS A **_V_**. THE **_V_** IS PRONOUNCED AS A **_W_**!"

"Oops." It was too late. The damage had been done.

"You shall pay for that," He spoke menacingly. He slipped something out of his pocket. "Time for your flu shot, sonny."

"Will I get a wollypop?" I asked, cowering.

"Oh, you'll get a lollypop," He inched closer to me, his eyes burning red. "But it'll be a nasty green one."

"Oo! My favorite flavor!"

"Fine, an orange one!"

"Nooo! Please take mercy on me." In a daring move, I slapped away the shot from his hand. It went flying off the field.

"No shot, eh? Then you'll get a nice dose of painkillers," He pulled a bottle out of his pocket.

"Ok!" I said, much happier by this.

"Dangit, why does everyone say that when I bring the painkillers out?" He mumbled, replacing the pills with a vial of dark reddish liquid. "Fine, you asked for it. You'll get the worse, foulest, most horrible concoction known to man."

"What is it?"

"Terrible, poisonous, gagging, nauseating tonic, it is," He sneered, delicately pouring it onto a spoon. I gulped.

"Spare me from whatever this evil is!" I cried to the heavens. "Whatever could it be?"

"COUGH SYRUP!" He laughed.

"NOOOO! Anything but that! I'll take anything." I pushed it away. "Stop it or I'll-" I searched around for one of those fancy new words I learned during my stay here. I whispered it in a taunt to him, "I'll scream malpractice." The spoon clattered to the ground.

"You wouldn't." He stepped back.

"That's right. I call the evil fuzzle bunnies on you!" I threatened, pleased with my new powers.

"That's not what malpractice means," Doctor Mario pointed out.

"Whatever." He was dangerously close to the edge now, and I took the opportunity to wrestle him over the edge. He fell into the river rapids, rushed away with the waves.

"Laudamis victoriam Gallis equis!" My friends, minus Link, cheered.

"Wait, did they just call you a French horse?" I turned to see Doctor Mario had returned. He was about to jump on me again when the bell rang. He backed off.

"You shall pay one day, Roy. You shall pay!" He said in haunting words.

"For beating you?"

"No. I wasted a good deal of medicine on this fight. You owe me moolah!"

"Moolah?"

"You know, the green stuff."

"Nope."

"Buckaroos?" My blank look only infuriated him further. He simply sighed and ran off.

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Author's Note: Long chapter, and I'm not sure if any of you got it. Still, I thought it was funny. You should see my Latin class. All the boys fit into either the Link, Roy or Ness catagory (No Marths). It does things to your mind. Scary things...Well, if want to help this poor author write better chapters, please suggest ideas, and if you have nothing, then just review! Reviewing is fun, easy and simple! And it makes me happy. Everyone like's to see me happy. _Vale, mei amici!_ Lemurian-Girl, signing off.  



	11. Conversion

Author's Note: **This chapter might offend some people. I wish to clarify that any opinions of characters used in this story are strictly the characters, and they do not reflect any feelings of my own. It is used for humor's sake. I do not want people flaming because I am bashing anyone because I'm not. Just want to get that through.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Smash brothers Melee.

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Link and I came up with a brilliant master plan to get rid of Marth once and for all. Our supplies were few in number and easily accessible. They included masking tape, bobby pins, Ganondorf and a few cookies. We snuck down to the front hall and opened the coat closet. We set down the cookies on the floor and put a sign saying, "Increase your girly man power with these free cookies!" 

We shut the closet door for the time being. Then we found Ganondorf lounging around by the poolside. We attacked him from behind, masking tape out and ready. It was perfect in strategy. We tiptoed behind him slowly, smirks on our vengeful faces. Link was about to tape his mouth shut when the Gerudo reached behind him, grabbed Link and threw him in the pool. He then smiled at me.

"Tanning Buddy!" He exclaimed giddily. "It's been forever since we've compared lotions. How about you joining me right now?" Oh no, now I was scared. The terrible, awful power this man had, and what horrendous things he wished to do with it.

"Um, how about we make a deal?" I suggested nervously. He cocked an eyebrow at me. Link started screaming something about not being able to swim without floaties, but we ignored him. "You see, Link and I need you for our brilliant master plan to capture Marth and torture you at the same time, and in order to do that, we need to wrap you in masking tape. In exchange, I'll have a tanning session with you, if you survive."

"Well…I don't know about that…."

"Please?"

"Aw, you're so polite," Ganondorf said. "You hear that Link?"

"Sinking…little Zoras…floating in front of face," He flailed his arms wildly. "AH! That one looks like Ruto!" Ganondorf tsked lightly.

"If you only said, 'Please, roll over and die so I can save the kingdom and the princess', I would have done it you know," He said. "And stop splashing so much. You're getting me wet." Link began to sink towards the bottom.

"So you'll do it?" I asked hopefully.

"Ah what the heck, who knows, maybe I could torture the little bugger while I'm at it," He said. "You know, I like torturing people, but in a more subtle way than Bowser does it."

"Interesting," I mused. "Please, go on." I caught sight of something in the pool, and I rolled my eyes. "Link," I called out. "You really shouldn't be floating face down like that."

---

"Stupid Link having to drown in the stupid pool," I fumed to myself. Dr. Mario said he was just barely able to revive him. He warned me that Link could not partake in any brilliant master plans today; so, I was on my own. I checked on the closet trap.

"Kirby!" I exclaimed. "What are you doing in here?" The blob burped. I noticed the cookies were nowhere in sight. "Go get more cookies from the kitchen, now!" I ordered him, pointing in the general direction of the kitchen. He trudged away, dragging his feet.

"Rooooy!" Ganondorf began to whine. "How am I supposed to wrap this tape around myself. I mean I could do it around my arms, but then the tape would stick to my clothes, and Samus said we did not have enough money in the house budget to cover lint rollers. Or I could-"

"How about you go in without the tape," I suggested. "Then you could strangle him." He tapped his chin with his index finger.

"I do like strangling," He murmured. Kirby returned with a platter full of cookies. I smiled, but it faded as Kirby slid all of them into his mouth and then proceeded to munch on the ceramic plate.

"Oook, then, I'll have to do without," I mumbled. "Think Roy, think." A genius idea popped into my head. "OOOOOHHH MMMAAARRRTTTHHH!" I called out. I waited a moment before he came bouncing into the front hall.

"Hi Roy," He greeted ecstatically. "Why are you all in the front hall, and why are you all giving me evil grins and rubbing your hands evilly? Well, all of you except Kirby. He seems too busy eating your cloak, Roy." I looked down and indeed Kirby was dangling off the ground chewing on my cape. I grasped it with two hands and attempted to shake him off but it was of no use. So I banged him against the wall a few times before he fell off, growling at me.

"Um," I coughed. "There are imaginary cookies in the coat closet for you." I pointed to the closet. Marth jumped up, clapping his hands.

"Imaginary cookies? Ooh, they are my favorite," He rushed into the closet. "Hey, I don't see any imaginary cookies in here!"

"Go! Now!" Ganondorf rushed in. I closed and locked the door behind them and breathed a sigh of relief. I walked away, confident that I finally completed a successful all by myself.

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"EEEK!" Someone screamed. There was the sound of feet pounding down the stairs. "EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!" We all gathered around Falco at the base of the stairs. He was kneeling over, panting heavily.

"What's wrong?" Samus asked, charging up her arm cannon. Falco just shook his head, too out of breath to answer.

"Has this Master Hand evil finally appeared," The newly exorcised Zelda asked. He shook his head.

"Saw…Ganondorf…in bathroom," He wheezed.

"Did you walk in on him?" Peach inquired with a shudder.

"No, worse," He trembled. " He was plucking his eyebrows!" I gasped. All the other men gasped. The girls just stared at him blankly.

"Oook then," Samus said, taking a step back.

"He said he'd been converted," Falco lamented. "He's become a metrosexual." I had no idea what that term meant, but it sounded scary.

"Oh come on," Samus rolled her eyes. "Girls are expected to have perfect hygiene, but when we ask the same of men, it's heresy."

"Yeah and besides," Peach giggled. "Metros are kind of cute. No beer bellies, no stains on their clothing, nice, unwrinkled clothes…" She listed them off.

"Agreed," Zelda chimed in. "Perhaps all of you should consider taking better care of yourselves."

"But then we'd have to clean under our fingernails," Bowser whined.

"And shave our chests," Captain Falcon pointed out.

"And wear deodorant!" Fox exclaimed. Everyone stared at Fox, and a few people stepped away from him.

"You don't wear deodorant?" Mewtwo exclaimed telepathically in the monotone he reserved for horror.

"That's outrageous," Link yelled out.

"Actually, it would explain quite a bit," Falco mused to himself. Suddenly, I realized that Ganondorf should still be locked in the closet. I peeked out into the front hall and saw a large hole eaten through the door, and a very fat looking Kirby was sleeping nearby.

Which meant Marth was on the loose.

Holy Elimine, we had a problem here.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Marth bounded into the room. He grinned.

"Um, Marth, what exactly happened in the closet with you and Ganondorf," I braved to ask in a small voice.

"Well, lets see," He tapped his chin. "Oh yeah!" He snapped his fingers. "I started complaining about the lack of imaginary cookies and light, and then Ganondorf summoned up a ginormous ball of glowy energy. It was by this light that I saw he had a terrible peach fuzz on his chin. So I sat him down and said, 'You really need a shave', and I had a nice little chat with him about it." He looked around at us. "Why do you ask?"

Every male creature in the room glowered at him. Samus had taken off her helmet and sniffed the air.

"Hey, that smells like real cologne," She commented. "Not that crap the rest of the men buy at supermarts." Peach took a whiff.

"Mmm, you're right," She said. "It's times like this I wish he wasn't evil." Meanwhile, the rest of us proceeded to beat up Marth. I had no sword; so, I picked up a toothpick and started poking him with it.

Poor Marth had no idea why this was happening to him. Until Ganondorf walked down the stairs. Then, even he fainted.

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Author's Note: Well, likey? Remember, no reviews means I won't update. Reviews are simple and quick. They can range from one to hundreds of words. So just be a pal and write one, ok?  



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